Maybe It's Maybelline

I forgot to mention something about my webcam adventures. I most definitely powdered my face beforehand. What? I didn't want to be too shiny. You really have to beat the face a lot in order not to look shiny. OH also a follow up. . . I took Brady's advice and didn't reveal anything, staying only long enough to snatch a guy off to a messenger service. Wow. That was some good shit. I was in such a terrible mood today, but after all that, I feel fantastic. I'm digging the one-on-one snizness.

So You Can Run and Tell That, Homeboy!

No explanation necessary:

Ms. Adventures Part II: It Do Take Nerve

(note: this is not me in the picture, I just really REALLY enjoy this guy)

Alright, I have to warn the children on this one. It's kind of dirty. If you're familiar some of my early work, then this won't faze you. And if you're a family member reading this, you might just want to skip it. Please.

Anyway. There is a certain website I frequent that consists of guys and webcams and you can type/chat at the same time. The guys come in an extreme variety. There are plenty of SUPER sizzling hot guys to check out doing all sorts of naughty things, and there are of course some nasty things you would wish you hadn't seen. Like a man sticking an entire eggplant up his ass, then shooting it out. FOR REALSIES. Oldies, and fatties, and fisting, OH MY! The point is that there is something for everyone there.

I mostly just browse. Brady is always sending me links to guys with giant cocks (he's a size queen), but I'm more into guys who are serving FACE. He does know what I like and throws me a bone every now and again. Before this story, I had on one occasion performed before. It was while I was on vacation (sorry, Sunshine! you were just downstairs), and I was feeling particularly sexy in this hot asymmetrical harness I picked up at an SF leather store. It was a liberating experience, and a total boost in confidence. My self-esteem had been dealt some blows this year from some shitty guys and bad dating experiences, so the attention was welcome. I imagine it comes from the similar place of issues that motivates strippers to do what they do. I felt very desired and didn't have to deal with any jackasses in person to do it. I also have really good moneyshots, so there's that.

Last weekend, I was in a mood, and decided to sniz it up on cam. It was really fun, and I put on a little show. Some people prefer to just tease until they find someone to go off and private with or Skype/MSN/whatever. I think that's rude. Give the people what they want, to an extent. There will always be the people who write in all caps what they want from you. COCK. ASS. SHOW HEAD (that would be the head of the penis). FEET. TOES. Of course, do only what is comfortable for you. There is a surprisingly large number of people with foot fetishes on there. Whatever, I'm cool with that. Damn I just tried to find a post I thought I did about a guy with a foot fetish, but I guess I never shared that one. . . I suppose I'll have to write that up soon.

Anyway, three nights ago I had the notion to relive my experience, and I logged on. I was just chatting for a while, letting people compliment me, yada yada, and I had only just taken my shirt off when someone (without a picture) said I looked familiar. Great. Of all the thousands of viewers and hundreds of broadcasters, someone I know finds me. He asked where I was, and I told him Illinois. Then he hinted at the city, and I said yes. He said he recognized my tattoo. Fuck. There goes my career in anonymous porn, unless I get some tat coverup from Sephora. Mental note. I asked if he worked close to me, because I thought he might have been the guy from Snizdr I mentioned in the previous post. But no. He hinted that we see each other often and have personally met, but that didn't really help me. Instead of being creeped out as perhaps a normal person would be, I was intrigued. The next clue helped me narrow it down to a certain event I go to every week, so my next guess was that he was a guy I slept with some years ago who also attends. Wrong. I forget if there was something specific, but it dawned on me who it must be, and I just had to smile. I was not expecting it to be him. As far as the show went, I did clam up. It felt awkward, and I really enjoy the weekly event, so I didn't want to ruin that. We exchanged messenger information and chatted for a little while, and I left the viewers disappointed that night.

The following night I was back for more, and without the guy who spooked me present, I snizzed it up like never before and loved every minute of it. Cut to last night. By the way, I think I'm getting addicted to this shit, so I need to back off. I can't help that I have issues and crave the adoration of strangers. I should probably work on that. Whatever. Anyway, last night as I was getting going, I think the shirt might have been off already, I can't recall, Spook shows up again. We exchange witty banter for a while, and he offered to leave the viewing if it made me uncomfortable. Honestly, it kind of did, but I feel like it shouldn't, so I wanted to work through it. I just warned him that I would be closing our chat. Knowing he's watching is one thing, but having him direct me is quite another. When it came down to it, I did the deed, but my nerves definitely got to me. I was nervous and even though they seemed to like it, I felt my performance was lacking. It just didn't seem as exciting as it should have, and I attribute that to being self-conscious about Spook being there. In the future, if he's there, I think it would be best to log out for it. Although he won't be able to chat or react, I won't hold back because I feel a little funny. And I don't mind that he's seen it, it's just one of those out of sight, out of mind things.

We'll see what happens. It's fun and everything, but I'm sure people will get tired of me. The thing is with all the people on there, you're bound to find someone who loves what you've got. It's a great system. There are 60-year-old men with assholes stretched out like a wool cap pounding themselves with machines, and there are plenty of viewers who LOVE LOVE LOVE it and praise them for it. It reminds me of what Adele Givens had to say in The Queens of Comedy. It's something like "if you bucktoothed, baby, don't worry. There's a man in the house right now don't want nothin' less than a bitch that can bite an apple through a picket fence." I have a regular who claims he's in Dubai and coming to the States next year for university. Sure. He's in love. I will never, ever be telling him any detailed personal information. A good friend of mine once told me DON'T GET MURDERED, and I plan on taking her advice.

Ms. Adventures Part I

I heard about a particular iApp a while ago that is a "dating" program for men and organizes them based on proximity. The subject came up again while on vacation with my friends, and we joked that we should download it and see who all was there. For whatever reason, we never did. I finally remember to do it when I was back in town. Let's call it Snizdr.

At first I didn't put a picture up, just age and whatnot. So then one day while I was at work, I decided to sign in to see who might pop up. Just for a kiki. Lo and behold, it revealed that someone was THIRTEEN feet away! I scampered off that shit as fast as my skinny little fingers would allow. It didn't really matter though. The damage was done. Even when you sign out, it shows that you were online recently and says how far away you are unless you have it set to hide location (which at the time I didn't know was possible). There's a short homo I've spied in the office next to mine. I can just tell, you know how it is. But we've never spoken; I think we've exchanged hellos once or twice. I haven't seen him up close, but I don't think I'm into him. Anyway, I'm sure he spooked me, so I haven't signed on at work since. When I told Lila about it, I also told her about a story of a 19-year-old using the app to find a guy and kill him. She had this to say: "DON'T GET MURDERED." Yikes. This story does somewhat relate to what is coming next. It's a good one! Hold on to your panties, ladies.

Okay Sure

I don't know what is happening here or why, but I love it. Did everyone get served or did no one get served? Or maybe we, the collective viewers, were served. Yeah, I think that's right.

What in the Sideboob Hell Is This?

Woof, it looks like Foxy Brown has been slipping. Back in the day, when she and Lil' Kim were relevant, I was on Team Kim. Duh. If you know me, then you know I wrote my university entrance essay about Lil' Kim and included a picture of her topless. Because we're both classy like that. I grudgingly enjoyed Foxy's album Chyna Doll in high school. I even admitted it in an article I wrote for my highschool newspaper. It was kind of fun, but mostly ridiculous, but still nowhere near as inventive as Lil' Kim's lyrics. Then, because I'm a terrible person, I was secretly pleased when Foxy lost her hearing. They thought it would be permanent, which was kind of sad, but really I didn't give a fuck. I thought of it as karma for daring to besmirch the glorious creation that is Kim. I haven't seen her in years, much less thought about her, which is why this picture is so surprising. I didn't realize she had gotten so thick--which isn't a bad thing. Oh no, thick can certainly be beautiful. It's the titties that are killing me. Check out that sideboob! That is intense sideboob action. She just looks like she's spent way too many years not wearing a bra. Do yourself a favor, girl, and get a breast lift STAT. The bootleg Xena fetish outfit isn't helping things either. I suggest investing in coursets and girdles. I remember she used to talk trash about homosexuals in her raps. This must be the recourse: now she has no queers around to say "oh HELL no" and stuff her ass in some spanx. Again, karma is a mean, bitchy faggot.

A Tranny a Day Keeps the Mainstream Away

Okay, not a real tranny, but he's played one on TV! Michael Serrato has been doing this improv character for years, and if you saw the first season of The Big Gay Sketch Show, you got to see her in action. She's all about cutting a bitch and eating.

I Cant Wait to Be Old

My brother to me:

I just talked with Gma for 2 hours. not bad, she was saying crazy shit. ie "i thought that if one of you two (you & me) were going to turn up gay, it'd be you." thanks, Gma

Bootleg Alias

I'm really getting into this new USA Network show Covert Affairs. It really is like a bootleg version of Alias (one of the best programs EVER). Piper Perabo is Anne, the main character who is a newbie at the CIA. Part of the reason I enjoy this show so much must be that she bears a striking resemblance to Jennifer Garner's Sydney Bristow of Alias. She even has similar speech patterns and mannerisms. I should keep an eye out for her tucking her hair behind her ear: Syd's trademark. Anne is a littler more relaxed and loose compared to Sydney's uptightness. She's not as badass as I'd like her to be, but I think she'll get there. She is after all new to the CIA, whereas we meet Sydney seven years into her tenure of the espionage trade. Sendhil Ramamurthy also costars, and he's kind of annoying. After a couple seasons on Heroes, I really came to loathe him. The Eyebrow King, Peter Gallagher, also costars as a higher-up at the agency. Whatever, he's alright. I still think of him as Sandy from The O.C. Playing the part of Anne's older sister who is in the dark concerning her spy status is Anne Dudek, one of the white bitches White Chicks. I could never imagine her in a serious role, but she really impressed me! That is partly due to her more brunette shade now, it just makes her easier to believe. Sorry, blondies. Remember Henry the hot nerd from Ugly Betty?



Mmmm I do. He costars as a blind agent. EYEROLL. He is so terrible at it, that it is almost laugh-out-loud funny at times. In the pilot, he literally looked actors in the eye several times. He needs blind lessons. Anyway, they need to wise up and just have him shirtless all the time. It's hard to say how the show will shape up, but it looks promising. After only two episodes, I'm still interested in what will become of the characters, and the mysteries that are starting to build. It seems this program will blend light mythology into stand-alone episodes, which is a compromise I can respect. I prefer mythology-heavy series, but networks frown on that, instead usually opting for Law & Order: Bullshit format. The intro is atrocious, and much too light-hearted for my taste. It's cartoony and too much fun. Tone that shit down. The action is decent, and I do love me a girl fight! Here is the ultimate in girlfighting, from the season two finale of Alias (LILA, MY LOVELY ROLLERSKATING FRIEND ON THE WEST COAST, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, DO NOT WATCH THE VIDEO, SPOILER ALERT, HO!):

Schooling the Children

We have this glorious model of woman's inner workings at my office. It's a promotional model for the Nuvaring. It is so fun! You get to see all the biznass, PLUS there's a mock Nuvaring on a string that you can practice sticking up the sniz! How amazing is that? Then you press a button, and it zooms out of the sniz! It is way too much fun. It gets better:



Nice! It even comes with a snatch-for-dummies diagram, for you queers out there who don't know your way around a lady crotch. I'm seriously going to figure out how I can get one of these models for myself. I would proudly display it in my apartment. PROUDLY.